Thirteen Aphorisms for Wiccans (Do I have to say it is humor)

Recently, during the library reorganization (making room for an occult shop), I found a list of Aphorisms for Wiccans that I printed out. I now inflict it on you (source unknown):

Sadly, not going to grow up to be pagan; no, angry Christian (OFM [Open Full Moon] personal experience--sorry).

Truth: For a lot of us, life sucks, then you die. For Wiccans, life sucks; but it doesn't suck as much, because thanks to reincarnation, you get to die in at least thirteen times. 

News flash: Pagan gatherings would be more restrained, if participants thought they'd ever would have to work again in the real world. 

Influence: A Witch's Power is directly proportional to the number of other witches who hate her. A Witch's Intent is inversely proportional to the number of other witches who like her. Being social and magically math-able are not mutually agreeable goals. 

Honesty: Black magick is any witchcraft that works for you--but not for me.

Confession: Sex is for Wiccans, what cannibalism is for Catholics--a symbolic ritual act that we admit to only under duress.

Paradox: Sex magick is blood sacrifice without the sincerity. Blood sacrifice is sex magick without the fun.

Hide the dice: Playing Dungeons and Dragons actually is a lot like Wicca, but don't tell anybody.

Service: No witch stands so tall as when she bends to clean the litter box.

Harm: A good witch harms no one. A better witch laughs at the good witch.

Hoarding: If you gathered together all the known pieces of the True Cross, you could build a house big enough to hold all the authentic Gardnerian Book of Shadows.

Quality Control: A High Priestess is only as good as her last Sabbat--and as bad as her last expulsion. 

Madness: Bad invocations, like bad poems, are often the most deeply felt.

Talk to Edgar (Five Dollars): A Ouija board is a waste of time, if it doesn't work--and a waste of time, if it does. 

Edgar, dude, they say that you are not an expert in their problem.







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